You may have noticed that I am not currently a regular poster. That is, someone who can churn out a blog post on a regular, usually weekly basis. I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for that.
I suck at this.
I’m not an untrained writer, you understand. Not illiterate or uneducated. However there was not a class available in blogging at my university. Or my high school. Or middle school. No one teaches you how to coherently express your thoughts on paper, or blogosphere, for the digital world to digest.
However, that is not my Achille’s Heel.
I am afraid of writing.
Let me say that again. I, a self proclaimed writer and artist, fear the very words and art I put forth in the world. Or want to. When I am not being afraid.
Don’t you recall the abject terror that would grip you the second your parent got up from reading the bedtime story? At first you are warm and fuzzy. Reassured through hugs and a good book that all was right with the world. You were protected. All of a sudden, the protector rises to leave. THEY REACH FOR THE LIGHT SWITCH! Don’t they know about that which lurks in the dark and eats children?
What is there to be afraid of? ALL THE THINGS.
Trolls who thrive on crushing anything uplifting, thoughtful, and that did not come from them.
Failing at expressing my message.
Succeeding at expressing my message, because then I have to do it again.
Not measuring up to the far unrealistic expectations that this shall be a Blog, and all who come to it will be Enriched.
Not saying enough, and not having enough pictures, or the Right pictures. (more on that pet peeve later)
My Inner Critics have feasted on my uncertainty and fragile ego for decades, to the point where I will do almost anything to avoid writing. Why bother? Never good enough. So and so does it better. What do you have to say? Why would people care? I am a flawed person. My feet are clay. It’s why the current version of elves piss me off. They are so perfect at everything they do. They way the look, move, their art. Why should a lowly human even bother?
Even now I pause to answer the call of a game. On my phone. That really doesn’t require my attention at all.(Petting the cat doesn’t count. That prevents dislodging of the laptop and as such is conducive to productivity. Or so my cats tell me.)
Don’t scoff. My weakness is not unusual or isolated to me. Many call it procrastination. A misnomer. Wouldn’t you do just about anything to avoid that which you fear?
But wait! you say, you’re doing it now.
Yes I am. I write with the utter certainty that no one will want to read it. Will find it useful, thoughtful, illuminating, etc etc etc. blah blah blah. Lo, I have filled near an entire page with my rambling. And it has been so much fun!
I had a realization. An epiphany. A light bulb dusted itself off and turned on. Why do I need to prove people wrong? I have the power. Why give it to people who use it to tear me down?
So I gave up. I quit. I walked away from proving my critics wrong. I already put posts out there and have not yet been burned at the stake. Why not another?
I don’t have to prove my critics wrong. They are never wrong. (I couldn’t even type that with a straight face) They are critics. I just have to prove me right. I write for me, and if others like it, groovy. I get to make mistakes with wild abandon, something that can only be likened to skipping through fields of daisies.
In the words of my dear friend and writing bosom buddy, Yvonne Harbison
but seriously. it is. it’s important. do the stupid stuff that’s not gonna make you money because that’s where you get the suckage out of the system
you learn the routine, learn what you want to do and what you don’t want to do
and trying to make a grade isn’t where you learn that
because you’re always wondering “what’s the correct answer?”
there isn’t a correct answer. grades suck. make good art means expression and that can’t be graded. it either speaks to people or it doesn’t, and if it doesn’t, then you either wonder “how can i improve my communication to better convey what i hope to?” or you realize that not everybody’s gonna get it
either way, you learn on accident. not ’cause a grade had to be won
Check her out at http://www.thecoffeewriter.com
So go forth and suck at something. It’ll be fun. Mua ha.